How to deal with the liberal fascists: A Guide
We have done it folks. We have finally found the root of all evil in the world, nay, the Universe, and in particular Pakistan. Not only that, we also totally agree on what this mother-of-all-problems afflicting our homeland is: liberal fascists.
Yes folks, liberal fascists are responsible for our social, economic, moral, ethical, civilizational, agricultural, floral, faunal, and livestock decline. They are also the reason why prices of Big Mac and printed lawn suits are too damn high!
In short, whatever bad happens in the world is because Satan is acting through liberals and something has to be done quickly to do away with these creatures – or we die.
However, brethren, there is a catch. These creatures can only be engaged in debates. They do not draw a broadsword and start duelling even when threatened with their lives. They talk instead. Yak! Yak! Yak! Fundamental rights yak!
So unfortunately for us, the only way to defeat these loquacious troublemakers is to clash, err I mean, to reason with them. I know, I know, it is very hard to make an argument when these disgusting creatures start unloading insights from various filthy, western, and haraam subjects like Logic, Economics, Constitutional Philosophy, World History and Anthropology. How can a reader of certified halaal, made-in-Pakistan subjects like Naseem Hijazi’s Islamic history and Pakistan studies keep up with them?
So, in the interest of achieving peace in our homeland, I have come up with a comprehensive manual on how to argue with these hipster fascist elements.
Now, I know we all have an attention span of one millisecond and need easily digestible, bite-sized, guidebook material to understand anything. Therefore, I give to you an easy to follow, 4-step DIY tutorial on how to deal with these filthy liberals. Let’s get cracking, shall we?
Step 1: Be the expert
As we know these liberals are mostly well read. They read these unclean books written by unclean Zionist-Christians and this unclean knowledge infects their unclean minds and then they start worshipping Satan.
Also, in any argument, they start spewing this obscene knowledge and we are left looking like jackasses, aren’t we?
Well, the solution is to consider oneself to be an expert-by-birth on everything from Economics to Palaeontology. I mean we are Pakistanis! By God, we know everything. We don’t need no education! Here’s what you do: in any argument, just start shouting out (or writing in CAPITALS if you are on the internet) whatever pure knowledge you have gotten from that fashion magazine you regularly read. Or whatever iron-clad theories you heard from that ‘doctor’ political analyst on TV or that Samad Bond sniffer you regularly see hanging around the corner of the street.
Remember folks, the trick is not to do any actual research. We all know books, journals, and scientific studies are all a conspiracy by the Illuminati, CIA, R&AW and the UNO. Besides, I wouldn’t even touch a book on palaeontology, even the name sounds dirty, who knows what na-paak knowledge lurks in there no?
Step 2: Cherry-pick information
Sometimes, the liberal fascist in question is very stubbornly research-oriented. He keeps asking you to consult the dictionary on definition of fascism and liberalism and seems like he knows what he’s talking about.
In such a case, I’m afraid, some research is unavoidable.
Now I know searching and reading is hard work. Also, going to a library is not an option because – let’s face it – libraries are for sissies, aren’t they?
So here’s what you do: search Google with a poorly strung sentence on the subject in question and literally click on the first link that agrees with your viewpoint. Never mind all the stuff that goes against your argument. That is a conspiracy by pot-smoking hippie liberals, Freemasons, and Ancient Aliens. We, being the pure, patriotic, mard-e-momin that we are, already know what information to look for – the one supporting our side of the debate of course.
Also, never read too much. If you have to go through more than a couple of sentences from Wikipedia or – God forbid – a scholarly article, just quit. Go to step 3. You and I both know that once you read more than two lines, the unclean knowledge infects your mind and you start worshipping, you guessed it, Satan.
Step 3: Keep changing the focus of discussion
There will be some tenacious pseudo-intellectuals who keep on questioning your excellently researched (see step 2) evidence. They will remain very level-headed and keep rebutting your argument. This is an effective strategy against them.
Go like this: if you suspect your argument is shaky and might be debunked, quickly think of a totally unrelated topic and start raging on that.
For example, suppose you were sharing pearls of wisdom on how women stepping out of the confines of their homes are causing everything from earthquakes and solar flares to global warming and terrorism. And suppose you were describing how the world, galaxy, and the whole universe would be at peace if women just stopped showing their ankles already. Suppose then some fake liberal steps in and spoils the fun. They start explaining how women have rights equal to that of men and whatnot. You interrupt them right there and go, “Well, what about Israel, huh? People in Gaza are dying!” If they still have the audacity to reply, stop them mid-sentence and go, “La! La! La, I’m not listening because there are thousands of out-of-school children in Pakistan.”
Folks, never let them make a complete case on any one point. Keep in mind that if you ever listen, and try and understand their explanations, your mind becomes unclean. And also American, UNO and Antarctic terrorists win.
Step 4: Get personal
If all the previous steps fail and the liberal fascist still keeps talking sense, swiftly switch to this strategy. It practically guarantees success. Depending on the scenario you can either:
Claim moral high ground
If you are losing an argument quickly make up a preposterous (read: totally justified) moral implication of the liberal’s line of argument or just outright point to the depravity of their liberal mindset. Then start berating them for that. Next, declare that they can’t be Muslim (because they are immoral) and so, obviously, they are wrong. You win.
Play the victim
If you are totally out of clever comebacks try and act heartbroken and sad saying, “But I was just asking questions.” Add a sad emoticon for good measure. Then just keep repeating the words, “Oh, stop harassing me, I’m offended because you have an opinion; I’m dying because of your extremist mindset, you terrorist!” (Never mind the fact that you have never heard any liberal even so much as threaten to beat someone up for their views.)
If all of the above strategies and tactics have been cunningly side-stepped just string together the most vulgar, most unashamedly vile abusive slang you can think of and let it rain over the liberal hippie in question. That’ll show them.
They might try and say words like ‘ad hominem’ but do not be distracted by such inanities, just keep hee-hawing. I mean what you do not understand cannot weaken your case isn’t it?
Remember brethren, if all else fails use your superior mental gymnastics skills and connect the liberal’s argument to some sort of profanity and toss a blasphemy charge on them. That always works.
So there you go folks. You now have all the absurd, spiteful, and uncompromisingly self-righteous strategies of dealing with these filthy pseudo-intellectual liberals at your disposal. All that remains now is for you to find a suitable victim of your choice.
Go and do the good work, brethren. Godspeed!